All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
