he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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