just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
