Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
