I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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