Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
