K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
