watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
