Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
