mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
