And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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