My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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