i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
