I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
