I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
