i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
