you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
