She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
