just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
time to smoke my breakfast
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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