the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
