my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i drank out of a bidet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
