Pregnant stripper...not hot.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I've blown a few things in my day
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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