They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
