your parents love me but you hate me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
