My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
