I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
