just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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