Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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