i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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