they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
A+ Viking dick
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
