Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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