I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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