Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
