Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
