You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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