On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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