i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
