The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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