My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
