I think i peed on brittanys purse
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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