It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
