I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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