She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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