I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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