The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
