I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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