from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
