non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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