Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
