I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Congratulations! We have a period
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
