I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
