If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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