WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
