Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
